oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
