my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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