ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
