Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
