did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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