I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
