Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
