Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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