I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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