Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
