be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
