A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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