Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
this hospital has no fireball
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
