? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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