she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You pole danced in your parka.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
