Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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