I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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