I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
