I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
