Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
