Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
