every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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