My hand turned me down
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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