hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
