I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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