i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
