my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
