Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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