Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
