I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
