so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
