I bet he comes in French.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
