You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
