White coat. Heels.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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