dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm jealous of your bromance
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
