my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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