I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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