he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.