i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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