just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
