I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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