im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
