He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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