Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
