plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
