just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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