wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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