LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There r osticjed everywhere
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
