Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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