good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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