Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
