he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
