You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
